Gradually Then Suddenly

Feeling Unwell !!!!!!!! New post!!!! Sorry for slacking!

2009-01-24T19:12:00.002-05:00

All day Staring at the ceiling Making friends with shadows on my wall All night Hearing voices telling me That I should get some sleep Because tomorrow might be good for something Hold on I'm feeling like I'm headed for a Breakdown I don't know why I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell I know, right now you can't tell But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see A different side of me I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired I know, right now you don't care But soon enough you're gonna think of me And how I used to be Me Talking to myself in public Dodging glances on the train I know I know they've all been talking 'bout me I can hear them whisper And it makes me think there must be something wrong With me Out of all the hours thinking Somehow I've lost my mind I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell I know, right now you can't tell But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see A different side of me I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired I know right now you don't care But soon enough you're gonna think of me And how I used to be I been talking in my sleep Pretty soon they'll come to get me Yeah, they're taking me away I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell I know, right now you can't tell But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see A different side of me I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired I know, right now you don't care But soon enough you're gonna think of me And how I used to be Hey, how I used to be How I used to be, yeah Well I'm just a little unwell How I used to be How I used to be

Matchbox Twenty Lyrics to the song "Unwell"

To Anonymous "The Survivors Bill Of Rights"

2008-03-27T11:11:00.005-05:00

By virtue of your personal Authority
You have the Right to . . .

* Manage your life according to your own values and judgment.

* Direct your recovery, answerable to no one for your goals or progress.

* Gather information to make intelligent decisions about your recovery.

* Seek help from many sources, unhindered by demands for exclusivity.

* Decline help from anyone without having to justify the decision.

* Believe in your ability to heal and seek allies who share your faith.

* Trust allies in healing so far as one human can trust another.

* Be afraid and avoid what frightens you.

* Decide for yourself whether, when, and where to confront fear.

* Learn by experimenting, that is, make mistakes.

To guard your personal Boundaries
You have the Right to . . .

* Be touched only with, and within the limits of, your consent.

* Speak or remain silent, about any topic and at any time, as you wish.

* Choose to accept or decline feedback, suggestions, or interpretations.

* Ask for help in healing, without having to accept help with everything.

* Challenge any crossing of your boundaries.

* Take action to stop a trespass that does not cease when challenged.

For the integrity of your personal Communication
You have the Right to . . .

* Ask for explanation of communications you do not understand.

* Express a contrary view when you do understand and you disagree.

* Acknowledge your feelings, without having to justify them.

* Ask for changes when your needs are not being met.

* Speak of your experience, without apology for your uncertainties.

* Resolve doubt without deferring to the views or wishes of anyone.

For safety in your personal Dependency in Therapy
You have the Right to . . .

*Hire a therapist or counselor as coach, not boss, of your recovery.

* Receive expert and faithful assistance in healing from your therapist.

* Know that your therapist will never have any other relationship with you --
business, social, or sexual.

* Be secure against any disclosure by your therapist, except with your
consent or under court order.

* Hold your therapist's undivided loyalty in relation to all abusers.

* Obtain informative answers to questions about your condition, your
therapist's qualifications, and any proposed treatment.

* Have your safety given priority by your therapist, to the point of
readiness to use all lawful means to neutralize an imminent threat to
your life or that of someone else.

* Receive a commitment from your therapist that is not conditional on
your "good behavior" (habitual crime and endangerment excepted).

* Make clear and reliable agreements about the times of sessions and of
your therapist's availability.

* Telephone your therapist between scheduled sessions, in urgent need,and receive a return call within a reasonable time.

* Be taught skills that lessen the risk of re-traumatization

* Enjoy reasonable physical comfort during sessions.

Copyright 1995-97 Thomas V. Maguire, Ph.D. Ver. 3.0 (04/97); latest from tmaguire@mindmend.com.All rights reserved, except that permission is hereby granted to freely reproduce and distribute this document, provided the text is reproduced unaltered and entire (including this notice) and is distributed free of charge.

I think I am stalling.... Very Informative Article

2006-04-28T10:52:00.001-05:00

FYI

Sibling abuse, including sibling sexual abuse, commonly known as sibling incest, is more prevalent than most people would like to believe. In fact, it is probably the most accepted, and ignored, form of domestic violence.
According to Dr. Vernon Wiehe, professor of social work at the University of Kentucky and author of Perilous Rivalry: When Siblings Become Abusive, '...as many as 53 out of every 100 children abuse a brother or sister, higher than the percentage of adults who abuse their children or their spouse. What some kids do to their brother or sister inside the family would be called assault outside the family'.
Because of the relationship of perpetrator and victim the abuse is rarely acknowledged or understood within the family. It is often hidden or minimized outside the family. 'Boys will be boys' or 'siblings fight' are often heard phrases which minimize the activity, and the damage caused by such behaviors.
Here you will find information about the problems associated with this type of domestic violence. "Sibling Sexual Abuse - A Parents Guide" offers much useful information. Separate sections help parents to recognize sibling abuse and give information on how to intervene if you discover this is happening in your family. Also of interest is a section on prevention of sibling sexual abuse.
Perpetrators are frequently protected by parents and other family members. This protection shields them from dealing with the consequences of their actions. The victim is also not given the help that they need in order to deal with the effects of the abuse.
Survivors of sibling abuse & sibling sexual abuse often display signs of post traumatic stress disorder. The symptoms are the result of traumatic events with which the survivor is unable to cope. Complex post traumatic stress disorder is a relatively new term, first used by Judith Herman in her book Trauma & Recovery, and is used to distinguish symptoms and situations of CPTSD from those of PTSD.
CPTSD is frequently seen in survivors of trauma, abuse and control extending over months or years.
There may also be signs of dissociative identity disorder or DID. Many of the symptoms of DID will also be found on the other lists of symptoms caused by severe trauma.
Some people with DID may have a tendency toward self-persecution, self-sabotage, and violence. The violence may be self-inflicted and/or directed at the outside.
Denial serves to reinforce the damage. The person will have problems that may last for a lifetime if they do not receive treatment.
This is a list of symptoms or warning signs that abuse is taking place or may have taken place. These are generally encountered in magnified proportions.

Failure to thrive
Weight loss/gain
Anxiety and/or depression
Listlessness
Phobias or irrational/inexplicable fears
Personal space/privacy issues
Difficulty with authority
Passivity
Low self esteem
Nightmares
Anger
Emotional outbursts
Frequent illness
Withdrawal
Sympathy issues
Difficulty sleeping / insomnia or fear of the dark
Some abused children & adult survivors may participate in:
Some abused children may become:
Addictive behavior
Self destructive behavior
Self injury
Suicide threats and/or attempts
Aberrant sexual behavior
Prostitution
Aggressive
Disruptive
Hyperactive
Impulsive
Negative
Adult survivors of abuse including sibling abuse may suffer from some of these symptoms. These symptoms may vary in degree according to type and duration of abuse. Recognizing symptoms is an important first step in recovery.
The perpetrator usually does not get the treatment that they need to stop this type of behavior. Parents and other relatives sometimes cover up the abuse out of disbelief or shame. The perpetrator continues the behavior unless they receive treatment.

Side Tracked

2006-04-26T12:08:00.000-05:00

I will be posting part 2 of 7 tomorrow, my Father is more difficult to write about then anticipated.
I linked the following at the bottom of my previous post, It struck me today that it deserved its own post.

Rules of Unhealthy Families (emphasis added)

1. Don't talk about problems; if you must talk about problems never talk about the real problems.
2. Don't express feelings.
3. Never talk to another family member directly; always go through another person.
4. Be strong, be good, be right, be perfect.
5. Make us proud.
6. Don't be selfish.
7. Do as I say, not as I do.
8. It's not O.K. to play or to be playful.
9. Don't rock the boat.
10. Rigid roles.
11. Rigid rules.
12. Family secrets.
13. Resist outsiders from entering the system.
14. No personal privacy; unclear personal boundaries.
15. False loyalty to the family; members never free to leave the system.
16. Family resists change.
17. There is no unity; the family is fragmented.

Amazingly accurate description

Follow Up

2006-03-21T11:26:00.000-05:00

For those of you who are curious of how my life turned out after the abuse.....

I left home of my own accord at 11 years old, Of course I got married at 16, I narrowly survived that horribly abusive 1 st marriage , Thankfully with my life and the lives of my 2 oldest children.

And I am now married to a wonderful husband and father. I say that I am survivor loosely because everyday is a battle to cope with my past. No matter how good things seem, in the back of my mind I am still waiting for the last shoe to drop. It is so difficult to not expect betrayal or fear some hidden perversion. Just to trust someone is a battle in and of itself.

I like to think....
that just being in a good marriage with wonderful children whom I probably overprotect, I work so hard at being a good mom...I have 5 children now by the way......
Is enough to say I am a survivor, but inside I still feel dirty. I still feel wounded. My spirit is still broken. But I think I hide it well.....

2006-03-16T11:19:00.001-05:00

"There is a classic moment in
'The Sun Also Rises' when someone
asks Mike Campbell how he went bankrupt,
and all he can say in response is,
'Gradually and then suddenly.' When
someone asks how I lost my mind, that
is all I can say too."
-- Elizabeth Wurtzel

It seems my mind no longer wishes to hide my life and lessons learned, so I am creating this blog to give my mind a much needed break. I have learned, from an unidentified family member or two, that the human brain can only handle so much grief, loss and betrayal before it snaps. And let me tell you it ain't pretty at all when it does.